News From The Farm 6

The Official Retardo Awards Committee, upon receiving the latest nominations, have decided once again to update the nomination period to WEEKLY.

The Latest award goes once again to Mr. & Mrs. R. of Doraville, MN. due to the following Retarded episodes:

Mrs. R., upon reading that store bought catfud was crap, decided to make her own out of ORGANIC chickens.

After spending considerable time mauling whole chicken carcasses into "pieces" with a dull knife, it became clear

that it wasn't going to be a simple matter to just grind up the beast and serve. So she enlisted the help of Mr. R......

Mr. R., being a pragmatic fellow, took the only apparently logical path.

He broke out the Cuisinart Food Processor.

"But Honey, do you think the Cuisinart can really chop up whole chicken bones too?"

"My sweet plum pie with whip cream on top, why do you question

my superior knowledge on these matters? Of course it will chop this chicken to putty instantly!"

5 Minutes later the chicken hasn't moved much, and there's

a funny rubber smell permeating the air......

Mr. and Mrs. R decide to update their outdated latch porch door with a new Modern type Handle, the sort more civilized folk use.

They drive to the local hardware store and rummage through the displays of handles.

Mr. R. finds one that says "Easily installed in 5 minutes by one person" in Chinese on the back of the package.

They rush home and get to it.

1/2 hour later, a good start.......

1 hour later, Mrs. R decides to fill the extra holes with putty, lest they create a surplus draft.

Mr. & Mrs. R. Proudly display their newly modernized door handle!

Mrs. R. checks up on the tomatoes she planted in clay a few months ago.

The clay ought to add extra nutriments to the finished product.

Looking good!

 

The Retardos had some difficulty with the garbage service for a couple months.

Being desperate due to the pile up of garbage in the garage, which only the flies appreciated, Mr. R., being  a pragmatic fellow, decides to take matters into his own hands.

"Gee honey, do you think all the wet kitchen scraps and stuff will burn?, won't it stink like plastic all over?"

Despite the acrid odor wafting towards the house in the breeze for an hour or so, the garbage was considerably reduced.

To the dismay of the flies, the garbage service resumed shortly thereafter.

Mrs. R. decides to build a rock wall to cover the ugly septic tank bank.

(Mr. R. asks)

"Gee honey, do you think those vertical rocks will be stable enough to hold the upper rocks?"

TO BE CONTINUED .........

News From The Farm 5

Breaking News, Live from Doraville.......

Police were summoned to a home on the 1600 block of 400th street on the report of a vagrant pilfering the family honey pot ....

The county SWAT team was dispatched immediately to investigate.

The birdpertrator paid no head, apparently oblivious to the mayhem he had caused.

He was wingcuffed and taken to the avian incarceration unit at the county jailhouse.

In response to the event, National Security has issued a bulletin advising residents

to keep their homes and belongings locked up at all times due to the increase in vagrant

pilfering incidents sweeping across the nation.

In preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro,  

Doraville residents Thomas Trapezious and Soks are heavily working towards winning the gold for Olympic Napping.

This ends our special broadcast and we will return to the regular scheduled program after these sponsored messages......

Retardo awards, coming up next.

News From The Farm 4

We interrupt our regular scheduled program to bring you this breaking news.

 

Live from Doraville ....

Residents were alarmed when a Kitchenaid Mixer exploded at a home on the 1600 block of 400th St. late this afternoon.

Homeland Security was dispatched to the scene to investigate.

Scissors and some partially imploded packages of cream cheese were discovered near the scene.

The owners who were at home at the time were questioned by the SWAT Commander but denied having any knowledge or information of the occurrence.

The National Security Agency will be monitoring the area and are asking residents to come forward with information.

On Monday Police were called to the same home reporting a couple of squatters who had taken over the bathroom.

Attempts were made for removal by comb

And toothbrush

But were blatantly ignored.

Police are currently investigating whether the squatters were also involved in the various paper product bombings that have been going off frequently in the home.

The investigation is expected to result in the 2 squatters being incarcerated due to incriminating evidence.

However, due to the frequency of Feline Acts of Terrorism, a moratorium has been placed pending the approval of more funds for Kibble.

News From The Farm 3

Last month the Retardos wanted to build a veg garden before the snow fell.

So they rented a little skid loader to help facilitate the process.

To start things off right, Mrs Retardo decided to rearrange a few yard fixtures.

Now that that was taken care of, the Retardos got on with the business of razing the ground and laying the planting boxes.

In order to make things appear even, things were rigged up a bit.

Do you think the dirt will ooze out the bottom? asks Mrs Retardo.

Naw, those blocks should hold it in.

Looking Good!

News From The Farm 2

Breaking News - The Retardos competing for the award that made their name Famous: the monthly Retardo Award!

The award committee is considering assigning awards on a weekly basis.

Send submissions to: RetardoAwards.com.

Early last month, the retardos, determined to extend the enjoyment of their one season porch through the winter, decided to "insulate" it against the harsh elements.

Mr Retardo chose to utilize last years left over 1/16th mm thick INDOOR insulation film.

Gee honey, do you think it will hold against the winter winds?

I'm pretty sure it will, says Mr R.

OK......

Mr Retardo hard at work installing the film:

The tape is placed on the frames and the film applied. Hours are spent laboriously blow drying the film to a tight seal that looks remarkably like glass.

Finally, come nightfall, the job is finished.

Isn't it beautiful they exclaim.

Two weeks later, 35 mph gale winds rip through like a cylone, creating an indoor mini tornado of film.

The devastating destruction was heart wrenching.

The Retardos claimed the weather siren did not go off and there were no weather alerts to warn them of the impending doom. Luckily, they were downstairs when the event occurred and so were able to escape bodily harm.

Friends, neighbors and other do gooders have set up a fund to help with clean up and repairs. Donations can be given at Sinkhole.org.

News From The Farm 1

In relation to last weeks story regarding the Paper Towel Bomber we bring this latest news update:

Convict Connected to the Paper Towel Bombing Escapes From Prison.

Police are offerring a reward for information on his whereabouts. The reward will depend on the species providing info.

The suspect in last weeks paper towel bombing was detained at the Crook County Courthouse and upon further questioning was incarcerated. Bail was set at 50 cans of tuna fish.

The convict is known as Thomas "Trapezius" TiggerTail, a once well known member of the StringLing Bros Tarnished and Taily Circus.

Thomas Trapezius 2001

Late last evening Thomas escaped and is believed to be in the smelly area of Fish Bone Alley. Police have dispatched a search team.

Officer Glenn Retardo was the first one at the scene of the paper towel bombing. He sustained serious injuries while apprehending the bomber and was in critical condition.

Paramedics had arrived shortly at the scene but unfortunately, their supplies had been stolen so they had no tourniquets or trauma bandages. Residents supplied makeshift bandages which were amazingly able to stop the hemmorrhaging. Officer Retardo reported that the wounds were gushing and spurting, and he felt faint. He is expected to fully recover and return to duty.

Also sometime last evening, an armchair bomb was set off in the quiet residential area of Lake Doraville.

One eye witness at the scene was Tikki Tembo.

She was able to snap this picture of the suspect before he escaped:

Earlier in the day at the same residence, there was a garbage can explosion.

The same eyewitness was able to snap this picture of the suspects before they escaped.

Investigators believe the events are connected and the same culprits are involved. Homeland Security was called in and will be closely monitoring the area.

Residents or passersby are encouraged to call 1-800-GET-THATCAT! with any information.

Picture of the Day:

Devoted reader Gayand Lesbianrights sent this picture of a male couple celebrating their long awaited right to marry in Minnesota.

Stay tuned for the next edition of News From the Farm.