News From The Farm 3

Last month the Retardos wanted to build a veg garden before the snow fell.

So they rented a little skid loader to help facilitate the process.

To start things off right, Mrs Retardo decided to rearrange a few yard fixtures.

Now that that was taken care of, the Retardos got on with the business of razing the ground and laying the planting boxes.

In order to make things appear even, things were rigged up a bit.

Do you think the dirt will ooze out the bottom? asks Mrs Retardo.

Naw, those blocks should hold it in.

Looking Good!

News From The Farm 2

Breaking News - The Retardos competing for the award that made their name Famous: the monthly Retardo Award!

The award committee is considering assigning awards on a weekly basis.

Send submissions to: RetardoAwards.com.

Early last month, the retardos, determined to extend the enjoyment of their one season porch through the winter, decided to "insulate" it against the harsh elements.

Mr Retardo chose to utilize last years left over 1/16th mm thick INDOOR insulation film.

Gee honey, do you think it will hold against the winter winds?

I'm pretty sure it will, says Mr R.

OK......

Mr Retardo hard at work installing the film:

The tape is placed on the frames and the film applied. Hours are spent laboriously blow drying the film to a tight seal that looks remarkably like glass.

Finally, come nightfall, the job is finished.

Isn't it beautiful they exclaim.

Two weeks later, 35 mph gale winds rip through like a cylone, creating an indoor mini tornado of film.

The devastating destruction was heart wrenching.

The Retardos claimed the weather siren did not go off and there were no weather alerts to warn them of the impending doom. Luckily, they were downstairs when the event occurred and so were able to escape bodily harm.

Friends, neighbors and other do gooders have set up a fund to help with clean up and repairs. Donations can be given at Sinkhole.org.

News From The Farm 1

In relation to last weeks story regarding the Paper Towel Bomber we bring this latest news update:

Convict Connected to the Paper Towel Bombing Escapes From Prison.

Police are offerring a reward for information on his whereabouts. The reward will depend on the species providing info.

The suspect in last weeks paper towel bombing was detained at the Crook County Courthouse and upon further questioning was incarcerated. Bail was set at 50 cans of tuna fish.

The convict is known as Thomas "Trapezius" TiggerTail, a once well known member of the StringLing Bros Tarnished and Taily Circus.

Thomas Trapezius 2001

Late last evening Thomas escaped and is believed to be in the smelly area of Fish Bone Alley. Police have dispatched a search team.

Officer Glenn Retardo was the first one at the scene of the paper towel bombing. He sustained serious injuries while apprehending the bomber and was in critical condition.

Paramedics had arrived shortly at the scene but unfortunately, their supplies had been stolen so they had no tourniquets or trauma bandages. Residents supplied makeshift bandages which were amazingly able to stop the hemmorrhaging. Officer Retardo reported that the wounds were gushing and spurting, and he felt faint. He is expected to fully recover and return to duty.

Also sometime last evening, an armchair bomb was set off in the quiet residential area of Lake Doraville.

One eye witness at the scene was Tikki Tembo.

She was able to snap this picture of the suspect before he escaped:

Earlier in the day at the same residence, there was a garbage can explosion.

The same eyewitness was able to snap this picture of the suspects before they escaped.

Investigators believe the events are connected and the same culprits are involved. Homeland Security was called in and will be closely monitoring the area.

Residents or passersby are encouraged to call 1-800-GET-THATCAT! with any information.

Picture of the Day:

Devoted reader Gayand Lesbianrights sent this picture of a male couple celebrating their long awaited right to marry in Minnesota.

Stay tuned for the next edition of News From the Farm.

News From The Farm 0

I finally finished the garden for now. The bulbs are planted.

Yesterday we decided to pick up the walnuts that had fallen from the tree and "process" them.

After dinner, the 2 retardos sat down to watch tv and peel the fruits.

Retardo one started out with the gloves on. After all, she had read that somehow, those mysterious green coats could turn the skin some kind of other color.

But shortly after, the gloves felt too tight. Retardo two wasn't wearing any, and he seemed ok.

The retardos sat, watching the tube, ardently peeling and peeling.

All of a sudden retardo two gets up to fetch some water and notices his hands!

YUCKO! Did you forget to wash after your poo? asks retardo one.

Then she looks at her own hands and lo, it was done.

Retardo two looks up some info on his handy computer and tells retardo one that her hands will stay that way until the skin falls off.

The two retardos now walk unto the earth like amateur shoe shines, hillbilly rednecks, unclean.

This morning Glenn was witness to an unexpected terrorist attack by a frantic frenzied feline.

Luckily, the bomb was planted in a roll of paper towels. The culprit was captured and will be detained for further questioning, and the mess was all cleaned up without further adoo.

Day before Yesterday, retardo one decided she would wash those filthy windows!

It was a windy day. She took out the storm glass and then became distracted. She leaned it against the screen on the window frame and walked away.

About twenty minutes later, there was a sound like a glass bomb going off. The feline terrorist again? There were no terrorists in sight.

It was chalked off as a mystery. There were no injuries sustained. No suspects were detained and the mess was all cleaned up without further adoo.